Why Is Sex Bad - Classic Literature's Look upon Things

(Found somewhere on Tumblr. Not mine, just playin' around with the idea.)

Wuthering Heights - Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant. And die. And haunt people.
Turn of the Screw - Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant. And die. And haunt people. But if you avoid sex, you will have a nervous breakdown and strangle the children.
Jane Eyre - Don’t have sex. You will get syphilis and die. Also, be white.
‘Tis Pity She’s a Whore - Don’t have sex with your brother. You will get pregnant. And die.
Hamlet - Whether or not you had sex, you just can’t win. People will debate over your hymen for centuries but either way, you’re still going to drown in the pond.
Anna Karenina - Don’t cheat on your husband. You will get pregnant. And die.
Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Even if it wasn’t your fault, you’re still going to get pregnant and die.
Howard’s End - Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant. And then the father will die.
Romeo and Juliet - Don’t have sex with anyone your parents don’t like. Also, just say no to drugs.
Madam Bovary - Don’t have sex. Anyone who is good at it will leave you. And then you will die.
Therese Raquin - Don’t have sex. It makes you into a murderer. And then you will die.
Great Expectations - Not having sex may not kill you or get you pregnant, but it can have some pretty bad consequences too. (See Turn of the Screw.)
Farewell to Arms - Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant and die. And then your boyfriend will use the whole thing to make comments about Life.
The Sun Also Rises - If you can’t have sex, there’s always alcohol.


...which is precisely why I bought a bottle of kosher riesling, and intend to use it as soon as possible.